- Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either.
Leave me alone.
- There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one
works.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
- Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
- You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
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